I'm back, after many weeks of abandonment. My bad.
Firstly, Happy New Year to all!!! =)
I'm feeling very happy, cos the much-awaited CNY is here again! I love the festivity; the happy mood and the shopping frenzy; t'is the season where everyone puts on their best! =)
To all, here's wishing you a happy rat year! may this year be a wonderful one for all, and that the impact of the predicted recession can be alleviated as much as possible!
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On another note, recently I've been feeling down down down again. Going through some internal emotional struggles... I know deep down I need to get over it; but I can't seem to have the strength.
I'm just so tired... dread of fearing unacceptance; dread being so easily affected by others' opinions of me... I don't remember myself being like this in the past; or...... had i been deluding myself?
I hate falling in love and getting hurt. I hate myself for being so gullible; so naive. All those messages meant nothing afterall, no?
I hate getting myself into this mess. I'd been so happy with my life and suddenly, i feel so down. so lonely. so pathetic. all of which are feelings that well within a LOSER.... yes, i feel sucha loser.
Call me childish if you might, but more and more friends around me are getting attached, one after another. It's not as though I yearn to be attached; it's just that I fell unloved. And it certainly doesn't help matters that your close friends are all happily attached - in long term, steady relationships, mind you.
It's just my 2 cents' worth that it's hard to find company nowadays. They are but humans too, and have only 24 hours a day. They need to be committed in their relationship, and this leaves less time for their friends. I feel neglected; afterall, we've been through so much together, hadn't we? Would they even realise that i feel neglected?
For the things that they have done for me, I thank them for everything; for trying to cheer me up when i'm feeling down, for being a great listening ear, for having faith in me. But having to put up a brave front to tell them "yes i'm feeling better" when all i wanted them to do was to spend more time with me is tough. I long so much to tell them that I all i wished was for us to spend more time together, to go back to the past, but I lack such courage, and I know it's impossible. Sometimes I wonder what will happen if I really let them know my true feelings... Will they hate me? Will they blame me for being possessive? ........And, am I being possessive?
I'm tired of the dating game. Getting disappointed at the end of the day; feeling dejcted and stuffs... When such things happen too often a time, you somehow will feel like quitting the game.
Perhaps I'm destined to be alone. Once, my friend commented to me, "Aiya! Who asked you to be so smart, study so much? Guys who are not as smart or highly-educated as you will feel inferior when they're with you, don't you think?" I just want to tell this friend of mine, thank you very much. This comment remains deeply etched in my mind. And till this date, i ponder if it is true......? It seems so real. Guys have their ego; they want their girl to depend on them, no?
Mum says "You need fate in such affairs of the heart"; my close friend from school, HL, says "ignore that friend's comment! True love will come without such reservations". How i wish it's true! I used to have such strong faith that True Love Transcends All Boundaries, but now? It's been desecrated lock, stock and barrel, no doubt...
Just let me be. Hopefully i'll get over it soon; get over it fast enough. Oh, how i seek to have the faith to trust again.......
Why am I still holding back my tears? In this loneliness, there's nothing left to fear...
